All Bodies are Good Bodies

Last week I bought a bathing suit. I decided to buy it when I was at the thrift store because I haven’t owned a proper bathing suit in quite some time. As I browsed through the second hand options, knowing that most of them wouldn’t fit me properly or would make me feel like an old woman, I wasn’t hopeful. This is why it’s been years since I bought anything. Like, pre-mama years. Over a decade.

As I was about to give in, I saw a plain black one piece suit, new with tags and everything, for less than $10. I raised an eyebrow. It was aaaalmost my size so I figured it was worth a shot. I threw it over my arm and went to pay.

I threw it in the washing machine when I got home along with the other thrift store finds, feeling a bit nervous about trying it on. Memories of being a teenager in Bikini Village at the mall, trying on suit after suit with my mom waiting in the store, being unsatisfied with how my body looked in each option. Too modest, wrong colours, too much skin showing, boobs not fitting properly, tummy sticking out. Shopping in general is one of my least favourite activities, but bathing suit shopping is pretty much the worst.

You see, my body isn’t typical. Whose is really? I have broad shoulders and big boobs but a smaller waistline. Small sizes are out of the question, and different parts of my body fit into either a medium or large. But clothes are designed assuming that if you’re large in one area, you’re large in all of them. So I can either squeeze my boobs into a medium or loose my waistline in a large.

Along with all other teenaged girls, I was taught to hate my body regardless of what it looked like. I came of age during the Kate Moss era, but it seemed that even the Kate Moss types wished they were different too. I suppose body shaming is a right of passage but the after effects lasted well into my 30s.

My own journey of body image hatred has a twist, of course, that just as I was coming to terms with my shape and size - I discovered the term non-binary and understood a lot about why I didn’t like my hourglass figure or the clothing options that were presented to me as I was coming into my own. My body shape was (and still is) decidedly feminine and large boobs have always attracted unwanted attention. Trying to find clothes that were not feminine on top of trying to find clothes that fit properly presented a double challenge.

Okay, so back to the thrift store bathing suit.

When my family decided to go to the beach yesterday, I figured it was time to bust out the new suit. I tried it on in the bathroom, hesitant and ready to fall back on the old sports bra and underwear.

Lo and behold! As I looked in the mirror I was like, hey! this actually looks pretty good! I was a little snug but in all the right places. I really liked the simplicity. My boobs were a bit saggy but they were smooshed in place well enough. Not a bad deal at all.

Here’s the question though: what changed? My body? The suit? Or my perspective? My money is on the latter.

Finally in my 40s, I’ve come to love my body regardless of it’s shape or size. Even though it’s decidedly feminine, I’m not angry at the hourglass shape or big boobs because they are just a part of who I am. I’m proud of my broad shoulders and big muscles that let me do physical labour. I’m super happy at my thick thighs that can run long distances or squat like no one’s business. My body is a vessel that allows me to move through space and time, just like everyone elses.

This change in perspective has definitely come as I age and care less of what others think of me, but has also undoubtadly come through social media influencers like Adrienne Maree Brown, Alok, Sonya Renee Taylor, and more who share their own experience breaking down barriers around issues like fat phobia, gender dysphoria, and personal image. It also comes as I continue to criticize the culture that raised me and as I peel back the layers of what is truth versus subjective endoctrination.

As a related sidenote, I stopped shaving my legs last year. It’s amazing how much fear I had around the perception of leg hair - what other people would think of me, how I would be perceived. But you know what? It’s no big deal. Literally. My legs are still amazing legs, even with hair on them. Now I’m kind of shocked how many people still shave - not that there’s anything wrong with shaving, but that people see it as something that must be done rather than something like might just not be for them. If you want to stop shaving, I’m officially giving you permission. It’s okay. Go for it. Body hair is just fine :)

When I first figured out that I was non-binary, there was a lot of heavy body image shit that came with that understanding. Does being non-binary mean that I need to look more androgynous? Do I want to get top surgery? Would I feel more myself without breasts? I’ve spent so long trying to learn to like my body, do I really need to re-hate it all over again? Do I need to find clothes that make me look more non-binary or queer? Is it even possible to look androgynous with my body type? (Spoiler: it’s really fucking hard.) I didn’t want to go out and spend money on clothes that made me present as agendered. I literally hate spending money on clothes period.

As I’ve come to accept my body, I’ve also come to learn that being non-binary doesn’t mean that I need to look androgynous. It doesn’t mean that I need to hate my body type. I’m happy to reject cultural beliefs about bodies and genders for my own personal beliefs, but I’m also happy for other people to discover body types that make them feel at home in their skin as well. I’ve come to accept that my body is putting on more weight as I get a bit older and my metabolism slows down. I’ve even set a personal goal as I get older to look like Granny from Totoro or Dola from Castle in the Sky: amazing, strong, caring characters that break down gender roles.

In a recent interview, Adrienne Maree Brown talks about the cow and elephant tattoos on her arms saying “These creatures are really big and unapologetic, and I don’t imagine that cows and elephants are walking around like “oh girl, not lookin’ good today”! You know, they’re just like moo! Like, everything big is awesome. So why wouldn’t I also be big and awesome.” I love this quote because it reminds me that humans are animals just like cows and elephants and this judgement we put on bodies is entirely culturally made up. We don’t need to be consumed with cultural definitions of beauty.

And you know what else is awesome? All sizes, all shapes, all bodies. All sizes are good sizes. All shapes are good shapes. All bodies are good bodies. It’s time that we stop the constant judgement and criticism of our bodies in general and praise the amazing things that they do for us every damned day. It’s time that we glorify all styles, all genders, all personal modes of expression and celebrate the variety and differences in how we choose to present ourselves in the world without the need for others approval but just because we are the way we are, we love the things that we love, and we exist in the ways that we exist.