I am writing the post (likely a short one) on my phone in the dark, snuggled tightly between an exhausted 6 year old who spent a blissful day at forest school and a giant Alaskan husky who loves nothing more than to be close to someone. We all sleep together every night in a family bed we call the nest. It consists of a king pillowtop matress that I magically scored for free a many moons ago and a single Ikea matress, which when combined, fills the room wall to wall. We have three blankets and at least fifteen pillows. It's very cozy and a very happy place.
Although lately it hasn't been.
Because lately I've been having a bit of a hard time finding happiness. I know it's there, all around me but sometimes I struggle to see all the happiness that surrounds me every day.
It's not quite depression but more like some kind of malaise (which I recognize as an appropriate term because I've literally been fighting off germs for the better part of a month). It colours my world in the same monotone, dull colours of social media and mainstream news. It makes me think that because there's so much bad in the world, that I shouldn't even bother to look for the good.
The thing is that my life is intensely beautiful and amazing and if you asked me what I might change, there would not be much. My family has spent many years working towards this lifestyle with intention. We've set goals, reached them, and spend our days meaningfully.
So why is it so hard to see the goodness sometimes?
Maybe its because I carry a lot of the brokenness of late stage capitalism in my head all the time. I have a hard time setting it aside. I think we all probably do: being inundated with information now more than ever through an endless stream of media from around the world. And most of it is not good.
Maybe it's seasonal depression. I know a lot of folks that have trouble with mood when the days grow so short and we don't get to see as much sunlight. Throw the time chamge in there and it just wreaks havoc on natural rhythms and sleep schedules.
Maybe it's just perspective: life definitely feels harder when I don't take the time to express gratitude, either internally or to those around us who I care about. Being mindful and present in the moment can go a long way for me when I need to lift my mood and feel more grounded.
This evening I felt I decided shift in my mood and it was a welcome change. I was able to connect with my partner a bit more, witness the kids doing things they love without worrying about the fact that it was online and see the joy they were experiencing. I felt some worries I'd been holding slip away. It was a good reminder that I don't need to carry those worries all the time: it's okay to shelf them every now and then and just take in the happiness instead.
P.S. Yes, we're back on substack. Apparently it does a better delivery job and more people were signing up while I was gone. *shrug*
This time of year, for a few weeks or a few months, that malaise comes for me as well. Dreading its arrival can extend its reach. This year, we were lucky with extended sunny warm days. That helped immensely.
The election being over here in the US, and not great but not catastrophic, helped some. Cutting some lingering favored foods that might’ve been (and turned out to be) inflammatory, helped the most.
I’m glad you’ve found some light to see the lovely around you. I know how it is to think it’s not as bad as it is, until you feel better and can see how stark the change really is.
Here’s to more moments of the ability to see it, relish it, and create more of it.