Guilt, Grief, and Limited Direction
There are no right moves and no wrong moves. There are directions which are better and some that are worse but that clear path that I feel I’ve been searching for all of my adult life feels further out of reach than it did when I started looking for it.
In this I mean: if my goal is to do the least amount of harm to others, human and nonhuman, while I spend my time on this Earth, there are actions I can take that undeniably do less harm than others but being bound to time and space means that my relative existence is limited in direction and choice. My best path may look like shit to someone in a different time and place, living under a different set of circumstances. My current path may look like shit to my future self.
Sometimes I feel numbed by this scope of relativity and multiplicity. The overwhelm can send me spiraling or even freeze me in place. No solution is perfect. All paths can be easily criticized. Sometimes the best option for the moment still is woefully inadequate. Sometimes what seems good for one person is horrible in the eyes of others. We are all limited by various factors: time and space, culture, spoons, etc.
I have no solutions here. There’s no happy moral at this moment in time. I guess its a matter of releasing that which I can’t control but that feels like an immense position of privilege. Maybe its a reminder that I’m doing the best I can but that feels like a cop out too. Maybe this guilt is just the result of generations of ancestors acting without consideration. Maybe its part of the climate grief so many of us feel today.
If you feel this way too, maybe this is just a message to let you know that you’re not alone.
it's a humbling place to exist in. this place of limits. being bound to space, time and body. to know that there is so much we can't do. so much that is beyond us. but might i throw a twist to the plot? after 20 years of fighting myself because of my body pain and the myriad of limits i keep facing because of it, i have started to feel a great sense of relief. i am limited. i can only do so much. my body tells me when i've crossed the line. i am human. yes, i sooo long to do more. but i want to reach a place of comfort in the smallness of what i am. i'm not sure if that resonates. but i thought i would add that. thanks kel!