Just Being A Mom

There’s this odd things that happens as our kids grow out of the toddler phase and become more independent. For most kids, this is when they start daycare or maybe even kindergarten but even for home educating families, there’s a marked shift around the age of 4 or 5 when kids seem to need less attention from their parents. This is not to say that kids don’t need any attention, but there’s at least a noticeable difference where kids need less focus and can find ways to amuse themselves for longer periods of time.

For me, and I think for others as well, the response as we enter this phase in our family has been to try and reclaim a little bit of self identity beyond just being a mom. Being a mom is great and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but there are other things that I enjoy doing with my time and energy. Being given an inch or two of room, there then comes this desire to jump back into hobbies or passtimes that I had more time for before baby came along.

I think this is a totally healthy and natural thing to do, for the record. The early years of parenting are tireless and full of self sacrifice. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until he was 4. Keeping new babies alive is a full time gig and one that many of us are thrust into without any real knowledge or experience or inkling of what it means to be a new parent. After a few years of this type of devotion, it’s only natural to want to revisit some of our own passions and interests.

I have found that this is a delicate balance though, maybe exacerbated by the choice to be with my kids 24/7. I’m finding that, as I reach more firmly for some semblence of identity beyond being a mother, I quickly become overloaded.

This summer has definitely been more of a challenge. Between covid and needing to be there for ill parents, I am already feeling a bit threadbare. Areas that I want to focus on like growing food and tabling at the farmer’s market have had to take a backseat while my focus has been on decidedly more important things. When you add on the commitments of parenthood, not to mention consent-based/gentle parenting, well… I’ll admit that I’ve had days of resentment when my own projects have had to take yet another backseat.

Part of the problem we’re facing right now (and yes, I know this too shall pass) is that my youngest wants someone with him all the time. Both my partner and I do our best to work with him to find creative solutions but it can really be exhausting to maintain patience when he’s just so neeeeedy right now - more needy than we’re comfortable with. This means that we’re often compromising the things that we want to do with our day as independent adults to make sure that he’s comfortable and content. And I think that part of the resentment that bubbles up is because I keep thinking: “he’s too old for this! We made it through the really high needs years and I have been looking forward to some independence and time for myself.”

Sometimes I dream about getting a part time job working for a local ecological small farm or getting up early to work the morning shift for a bakery in town. I’m excited by the possibilities of what some freedom to choose for myself might look like. Maybe I could table at another market, or run some workshops on weaving with the local arts organization, or start another small business.

I don’t think it’s in the cards right now.

I know these years will fly by. I know I will have many years of independence where I can really, truly make choices for myself while my kids are doing their own thing. I know that I just need to be patient.

And while I might like to think of myself as a weaver or gardener or baker or writer, I know that deep down inside, I should really focus on just being a mom. Because everyday I get to be a mom to two amazing boys and when I can focus just on that and not get sidetracked or distracted, there is nothing that brings me more joy in the whole world.