The Process of Becoming
Some internal reflection around shedding the cultural expectation of what it means to be worthy.
Hi.
I’m still here.
I took an accidental writing break, but I’m back.
My life has been filled with stories that are not mine to tell over the last few weeks, and finding time even for reflection has felt challenging.
But I’m still here, and I’m okay.
I’ve been thinking a lot (in the context of stories that are not mine to tell) about becoming—something that goes beyond just existing—a transformation into the people we truly are. Which is honestly a weird thing to think about if you think about it. I mean, we are who we are, right?
But sometimes we aren’t.
Because our culture isn’t great at helping us grow into the people that we are. Instead it demands that we become people it deems worthy. It asks us to mask characteristics or qualities that are not valuable within its context. If you are queer, neurodivergent, or disabled, you’ll know what I mean.
I think about this for my children often: I believe this is a critical part of intersectional unschooling practice. Modern education seeks to give a standardized education to produce model young adults, all carrying the same knowledge but also the same characteristics. Unschooling, at least the model of unschooling that I admire, instead seeks to tease out the unique characteristics and interests of young people so that they can be led by those interests, passions, and natural aptitude. Not only will one size not fit all in this scenario, but in fact, each and every experience will be unique because no two kids—no two circumstances—are the same.
I would like to think that the focus on this individual approach and embracing of uniqueness will help my kids grow and thrive into the people who they truly are, rather than asking them to conform into people that our culture deems worthy. But I am not so naive to think that this cultural narrative doesn’t still reach them in a million ways. Even outside the modern education system, they are still influenced by the other cultural institutions with which they interact on a regular basis. Beyond that, both have friends in the school system, which means that the ideals presented within the system are still passed on in their lives.
As adults looking back, I think we can all lament falling victim to the cultural pressure to act or behave in certain ways that are not true to ourselves. There is a sadness of adventures missed, to be sure, but beyond the time wasted trying to impress others or elevate ourselves or mask our characteristics, there is a loss of self that I imagine many never recover from.
The recovery process is what I’ve been thinking about a lot these last weeks: the becoming of one’s self after you can start to recognize that parts of one’s self that are defined more by cultural pressures than one’s authentic nature or personality.
Peeling back these layers can be awfully painful. Admitting that the shoes never really fit means admitting that we’ve been living inauthentic lives. And along with that admission, there is a fear of what it might mean to live more authentically moving forward. If you’re queer, neurodivergent, or disabled, you’ll know what I mean.
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and feel quite proud of myself—for the person I’ve become—not because I have specific qualities that I find admirable and definitely not because those qualities are deemed worthy by my cultural context, but simply because I have undergone the process of becoming to such an extent that I feel more authentic. Not every day, mind you, as I expect that the process is ongoing.
When I started writing about unschooling, I had this notion in the back of my mind that if I could share my experience, it might give more people permission to start their own unschooling journey, not to follow the same path, but to follow their own path away from the school system with a bit more confidence. I feel like many of us need that permission to take a leap away from what is considered the status quo.
So now, my holiday gift to you (if you are seeking it) is the permission to become who you are. I know it can be hard. I know that in many cases there will be many tears. I know that the unravelling can be so overwhelming that you want it to stop—to just go back to being that other person who everyone thought you were. But the authenticity waiting for you at the other end of the process has such a purity that you may find that there is simply no other way to be. And if you need permission to become culturally unworthy, yet authentic, I offer this to you.
And if anyone bitches about it, you just tell ‘em that Kel said it was okay. <3