Pursuit of Happiness vs. Indulgence as Neglect

When I was in my early 20s, I decided that the meaning of life was to be happy. Quite chuffed with myself, I had distilled two decades of existence and knowledge down to the premise that taking ownership of one’s own happiness while not inhibiting others’ happiness was really the best it was going to get. I suppose I still hold this to be reasonably true, although in my early 40s, the act of simply being happy feels much more complex than it did 20 years ago.

Happiness is a worthy goal, to be sure, but happiness itself comes in different forms. Here are a few different types of happiness that I found while doing some research:

Pleasure or Hedonic Happiness: This type of happiness is derived from sensory and physical pleasures and includes experiences like enjoying good food, engaging in pleasant activities, or experiencing physical comfort.

Eudaimonic Happiness: This type of happiness is associated with a sense of purpose, meaning, and fulfillment in life. It comes from pursuing and achieving meaningful goals, personal growth, and contributing to something larger than oneself.

Social Happiness: Happiness can be derived from positive social interactions and relationships. Strong social connections, supportive friendships, and a sense of belonging can contribute significantly to overall well-being.

Flow or Engagement Happiness: Flow refers to a state of deep absorption and complete involvement in an activity. When individuals are fully engaged in an activity they enjoy and that challenges their skills, they often experience a sense of happiness.

Mindfulness and Present Moment Happiness: Being fully present in the current moment and practicing mindfulness can lead to a sense of calm, contentment, and happiness. It involves accepting and appreciating the present without excessive worry about the past or future.

Aesthetic Happiness: Appreciating beauty in various forms, such as art, nature, or music, can evoke feelings of joy and happiness.

This is just a taste. There’s also happiness that is derived from altruism, achievements, spirituality, and more. In other words, there are a lot of different sources that we can tap into if we’re trying to find personal happiness.

If we start to look at happiness on a purely scientific level, these different ways of experiencing happiness are tied to different neurochemical responses in the brain. Dopamine is the one that tends to get most of the attention these days, but there are other ones like oxytocin, endorphin, serotonin, and more - each producing a different feeling that contributes to what we would call happiness.

So, that initial goal of happiness now becomes quite multifaceted. What’s more, if I’m trying to help my kids find happiness, there are many paths that I could help them travel, and there are also other paths that may appear to provide happiness out of the gate but lead further away from that initial goal as time goes on.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Mark Fisher’s notion of “depressive hedonia” that I came across in his book Capitalist Realism. I wrote about this a while back, and it’s really stuck in my mind. The context in which Fisher explores hedonistic depression is rooted in the modern practice of micro-dosing on dopamine through activities like video games or browsing on social media. If we see dopamine or hedonic pleasure as one path to happiness, we must also acknowledge that the single pursuit of only this type of happiness may backfire to cause depression when our brains become so used to the neurochemical and require more and more to experience pleasure again from the same activities.

I’m not here to lecture you on your or your kids’ screen usage. We live in a time where this is the norm for most of us. But if I’m interested in living a happy and intentional life and encouraging my children to do the same, I think we need to acknowledge that this single path might be kicking us in the butt. If my benchmark for my kids’ well-being is “at least they’re happy...", I might actually be responsible for facilitating behaviour that could result in long-term unhappiness.

And this is where we are. I have neglected to acknowledge the multifaceted nature of the goal of being happy. My 20-year-old pursuit was imagined too simply: do what makes you happy and forget the rest, but the rest is really important too. What actions make me happy? What about actions that result in long-term happiness? Does short-term pain actually equal long-term gain? Or maybe short-term gain kicks me in the ass in the long term? While happiness is still a worthwhile goal and one that I want to instill as part of my kids’ home education, the notion of just-do-what-makes-you-happy (with a nod to the harmful practices of radical unschooling) is honestly not the best approach.

I’ve been hanging out with some unschooling folks in The Unschool Files community, and we’ve been talking about navigating neglect - a huge and rich conversation that covers a pretty big number of topics, but I’ve been really interested in this specific idea of indulgence as a form of neglect. Meghan shared this brilliant line courtesy of bell hooks and it really helped me pull all these ideas together in my head.

When we become too permissive with our kids and focus solely on their state of happiness, we are neglecting their complex needs as human beings. We neglect all these other, often more challenging, ways to pursue long-term happiness. We facilitate this notion of depressive hedonia, following the new cultural norm of focusing only on short-term dopamine hits with the misplaced belief that this will make them happy.

Conversely, this multifaceted approach to happiness means that we need to challenge ourselves. Serotonin helps improve feelings of self-worth. It comes about as a response to overcoming challenges and pursuing activities that give you a sense of purpose. GABA, the anti-anxiety molecule, helps create a sense of calmness and is found in folks who practice yoga regularly. Oxytocin, often associated with childbirth and early motherhood, helps us feel connected to others but is built through trusted relationships. Adrenaline, or epinephrine, makes you feel alive by taking risks and doing shit that forces you out of your own comfort zone. It can be the best antidote to boredom or malaise. And yes, even dopamine helps you feel a sense of accomplishment when you set a goal and achieve it. (source)

If we’re talking about how to help our kids in their great pursuit of happiness, we need to consider all these angles, not just one or two. We need to help them learn long-term skills to help them manage their time and energy. We need to model this behaviour and include them in the process. We need to form long-lasting trust-based relationships to help promote safety and well-being. These practices take work, but I truly believe that the end result will be well worth the effort.