When I was in my early 20s, I decided that the meaning of life was to be happy. Quite chuffed with myself, I had distilled two decades of existence and knowledge down to the premise that taking ownership of one’s own happiness while not inhibiting others’ happiness was really the best it was going to get. I suppose I still hold this to be reasonably true, although in my early 40s, the act of simply being happy feels much more complex than it did 20 years ago.
I literally could not love this more. It clarifies and elaborates a lot of things we are perhaps often afraid to say in unschooling, non-coercive parenting circles.
It's really too bad that there isn't more room for conversation because I'd love the opportunity to explore these balances more with other folks in the community.
There's a good chat happening in the Unschool Files Marco Polo group but there is definitely tact required. We need to make sure we're in safe spaces! When so many of us have been following a specific path for years, the idea of doubling back or questioning our own approaches can feel prickly. I'm always a fan of framing things at the cultural level and leaving room for interpretation and nuance at the individual level.
One day I’ll figure out Marco Polo. I’ve been trying and mostly failing. And yes it can be tough to have these conversations outside of spaces where everyone feels safe.
Thank you for this. I learned about GABA being the anti-anxiety chemical and I’m walking away with a Bell Hooks audiobook! 🎉 One thing that might be additive to this conversation is Max Neef’s version of Human Needs (which largely overlaps your list of kinds of happiness). It includes subsistence, protection, affection, understanding, participation, leisure, creation, identity and freedom. What I like about his framing is that he positions these all as needs. Also, he talks about how more fulfilling, communal-type activities (even like just hanging out with friends) covers many of these needs at the same time. And sometimes, when trying to satisfy one of these unmet needs of ours, we engage with “pseudo-satisfiers” that have little to no effect on meeting that need.
Thanks Dan! I love this concept of pseudo-satisfiers. I'll look it up and read some more. I wonder sometimes about our online communities and where they fall in meeting our needs for things like participation and care.
Thanks Ashely! If you have any tips for how to gently approach our kids with these concepts or language that has worked for you, please share. I'm a huge over explainer and my kids tend to tune out when I get to philosophical :/
That’s such a great question on how to share this info with our kids. I try to remember the power of modelling and make a point of sharing my thinking aloud for those around me to hear. For example, this morning I was feeling a bit off and I said “ugh, I feel restless and kind of blah.” After figuring out what I was going to do I told my kiddo who was in the room with me that I was going to have a bit more to eat and get my body moving while completing some chores. We ended up talking about short term pain for long term gain. I think when we focus on what our kids could be doing more or doing less it creates this pressure and takes away their autonomy. However, we can focus on ourselves and they can take what they want from that at different times. The other thing that comes to mind is making sure I connect with my kids first before trying to share info with them. Take time to listen to something they want to share with me and then offer something for them without expectation of them discussing, accepting or doing anything with the info. Just thinking about this more as I write, so hoping my ideas/thoughts are clear.
I literally could not love this more. It clarifies and elaborates a lot of things we are perhaps often afraid to say in unschooling, non-coercive parenting circles.
It's really too bad that there isn't more room for conversation because I'd love the opportunity to explore these balances more with other folks in the community.
Let’s make room!!!
There's a good chat happening in the Unschool Files Marco Polo group but there is definitely tact required. We need to make sure we're in safe spaces! When so many of us have been following a specific path for years, the idea of doubling back or questioning our own approaches can feel prickly. I'm always a fan of framing things at the cultural level and leaving room for interpretation and nuance at the individual level.
One day I’ll figure out Marco Polo. I’ve been trying and mostly failing. And yes it can be tough to have these conversations outside of spaces where everyone feels safe.
Thank you for this. I learned about GABA being the anti-anxiety chemical and I’m walking away with a Bell Hooks audiobook! 🎉 One thing that might be additive to this conversation is Max Neef’s version of Human Needs (which largely overlaps your list of kinds of happiness). It includes subsistence, protection, affection, understanding, participation, leisure, creation, identity and freedom. What I like about his framing is that he positions these all as needs. Also, he talks about how more fulfilling, communal-type activities (even like just hanging out with friends) covers many of these needs at the same time. And sometimes, when trying to satisfy one of these unmet needs of ours, we engage with “pseudo-satisfiers” that have little to no effect on meeting that need.
Thanks Dan! I love this concept of pseudo-satisfiers. I'll look it up and read some more. I wonder sometimes about our online communities and where they fall in meeting our needs for things like participation and care.
Ahh, great question. I feel like what comes up for me is that it depends on the individual and the “season” they’re in.
This is really helpful to read right now and I’ve already shared a bit with one of the kiddos this morning.
Thanks Ashely! If you have any tips for how to gently approach our kids with these concepts or language that has worked for you, please share. I'm a huge over explainer and my kids tend to tune out when I get to philosophical :/
That’s such a great question on how to share this info with our kids. I try to remember the power of modelling and make a point of sharing my thinking aloud for those around me to hear. For example, this morning I was feeling a bit off and I said “ugh, I feel restless and kind of blah.” After figuring out what I was going to do I told my kiddo who was in the room with me that I was going to have a bit more to eat and get my body moving while completing some chores. We ended up talking about short term pain for long term gain. I think when we focus on what our kids could be doing more or doing less it creates this pressure and takes away their autonomy. However, we can focus on ourselves and they can take what they want from that at different times. The other thing that comes to mind is making sure I connect with my kids first before trying to share info with them. Take time to listen to something they want to share with me and then offer something for them without expectation of them discussing, accepting or doing anything with the info. Just thinking about this more as I write, so hoping my ideas/thoughts are clear.