The Plunge

Travelling always seems to trigger my depression. I’m not sure why. It doesn’t really seem to matter where I’m going or coming from. Sometimes it hits upon the arrival of a new place, sometimes it hits when I’m coming home.

Yesterday, we left the cottage and it hit about half way through the drive home.

I suspect it has something to do with being cast into the vast expanse of mundane, everyday life: the comings and goings of other people all around me, interacting with people working in restaurants. There’s something about the enormous scope of the world, of thousands of people moving through their day to day activities, that I find overwhelming. It reminds me how big the world really is and for some reason says to me that none of the problems of the world can be fixed because it’s just. too. fucking. big.

Is that weird? It feels weird to write out. If that makes no sense to you, feel free to move on.

At any rate, depression hit me yesterday as we were driving down the 400 highway from central Ontario and I looked out the window to see the pristine nature and wilderness juxstapositioned because the 4 lane highway with hundreds of cars zooming north and south with a chain link fence seperating the two. The conflicting nature of the two scenes was apparently too much for my brain to hold and I fell into a hard and heavy silence for the next few hours.

As often happens, I started into the downward spiral, spinning into thoughts of all the broken pieces of our world and my place in them and what I was doing right or wrong, what was worthwhile and what was useless.

Depression is this strange beast because it tricks you into thinking that it’s caused by something situational. It says “if only I could change XYZ, then I would be eternally happy.” Of course this isn’t true. I’ve changed so many things for the better over the last 5 years and I still struggle. It’s a hoax - the depression is always there, but so is the happiness of course.

I’m so grateful to have a partner who I can talk through these things; who is patient when I try and brain dump what’s swirling around my mind to pick out the pieces that actually make sense and push through the drivel that isn’t really coherent. He also deftly commented that my mood was likely affected by the poor quality of food I eat while driving and he’s not wrong. While Shay and I were talking last night about lots of things, he helped me realize that the depression was tricking me. The depression was telling me that my writing is just complaining, that I should just become complacent and stop being so difficult. It was telling me that I’m too whiney and self-centered, that putting myself out there in the world is selfish. It was telling me to stop creating, to stop caring so much, and to stop trying.

Let me be clear: it’s not just the depression saying these things. Sometimes I get worn down and exhausted. I think we all do. Sometimes I want to be able to turn off my brain and my heart and just exist for a while. I’m working on meditation as a response to this need. Recently I’ve also been turning to plant medicine as well. Both these practices are helping shorten the time spent at the bottom and are helping me get back on my feet. These, along with naming the depression early for what it is, have helped me immensely over the last 6 months. I definitely need to make space for joy and happiness and not focus on the heavy shit all the time. I’m working on this too.

Okay, so here I am. This is what I want to do: share ideas and feelings and thoughts with the world; share alternatives to oppressive systems so we’re not all just focused on the collapse but ways to take steps forward; practice generous gift giving for that which I have in abundance. I am committing to doing these things without guilt, without making them a job, to do these things in the most creative and expressive way possible as a response to all those broken systems that weigh me down from time to time. I do this work for myself, but for you too, so that you don’t feel alone.

I also want to put this out there: if you are feeling stuck or low or maybe a bit broken, never ever ever EVER hesitate to reach out. If the thoughts in your head are swirling around and not making sense and maybe they just need to get out so you can take a break from thinking about them, start brain dumping in an email and send it to me. I’ll read them and reply and hold space for you. We all need this right now. You’re not broken: the systems are. So let’s create and write and share and make new systems that serve us better. <3